Slender Man

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I had pretty much figured that Slender Man was going to be a bad movie as soon as I saw the trailer. However, I still watched this movie with something of an open mind. Ten minutes into the movie, I knew this thing was doomed to fail. At this point, the filmmakers had proven they weren't going to offer anything interesting or original. How do I know this? Here's the plot: four idiot teenage girls decide to summon the titular Slender Man (who's barely in the movie by the way) by watching an internet video. One week later, and they're having nightmares, and one of them disappears. The thing is, this idea worked a lot better in The Ring. Why? The images you see on the videotape in that movie are legitimately fucked up. The characters in this movie suck. For about the first third of the movie, they aren't developed. For example, the movie constantly tells you what the characters' names are, and I've already forgotten them (I only finished the movie a few minutes ago at the time I'm writing this). I knew next to nothing about these girls five minutes into the movie. By twenty minutes in, that really hadn't changed. By the time they do try developing these characters (a whopping thirty minutes into this ninety minute movie), it feels too little, too late. Hell, they don't actually develop the girl who vanishes until after she's disappeared. Because of this, I don't care about these girls. I feel no attachment to them or any investment in them. When the one girl disappeared, I really couldn't muster up a reaction beyond "eh, whatever." A good chunk of the movie is these girls trying to find their friend and stop Slender Man (I think). The issue here is that if I can't find myself invested in the characters, why should I invest myself in the mystery they are (maybe) trying to solve. It feels like a mix of my not really caring and the filmmakers not really caring. Interestingly enough, I found out while I wrote this review that a lot of scenes were cut before the movie was released in theaters, and that honestly makes sense. More than anything, it makes the movie feel tedious. It comes off as a chore more than anything else. As cliched as it might be for me to say, this movie feels twice as long as it's 90 minute run-time. The movie also fails at being scary. The first major scare is nothing more than a lazy fake-out jump scare, and they are littered throughout the movie. I don't hate jump scares, they just need to feel earned, and I don't think this movie earns them. While the acting in this movie isn't the absolute worst acting I've ever seen, none of it is particularly good. The sad part is: the actress who plays the girl who vanishes can act. She's been in Oculus and Ouija: Origin of Evil. Granted, part of the problem could be that the writing gives them nothing to work with. There's a line near the beginning of the movie where one of the girls says she never sneezes because in the old times, people sneezing exercised demons. My reaction to that line was: "I think biology would say otherwise moron." I can't really say Slender Man ever really offended me. It made me mad, but only because it was dull and hollow, and was never very engaging. At least a movie that offends you can engage you in some way.

0 / 10