Once Upon a Time at Christmas

 Two serial killers dressed Santa and Mrs. Claus wreak havoc on a small town while the police try their best to stop the killers. So, I was warned going in that this was going to be bad. Maybe that's why it wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I mean, is it even fair to pick on a slasher movie for having subpar acting? Where this movie truly works for me is actually in the story. How the two killers work is actually kind of clever, and it legitimately took me a little while before I really understood where the story was going. Parts of it were predictable, of course. Aside from the acting, a lot of the dialogue is also pretty bad. The one actor I genuinely enjoy in this movie is the actor who plays "Santa." The man hams it up to just the right level for me. The characters are pretty thin. They aren't unlikable per se, but, most of them don't really do much to stand out for me. Yes, this movie is bad. But, I found it to be pretty enjoyably bad. If you are fan bad movies, and of off-kilter Christmas movies, there are honestly a lot worse you could go with. 

6 / 10  

Black Christmas (2019)

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Black Christmas is the second remake of the classic film from the 1970s. Without going into spoilers, this film really does go in a very different direction than either the original or the first remake. I almost feel bad. The actors in the film are clearly trying. Imogen Poots in the lead particularly feels like her performance deserves to be attached to a much better film than the one I got. Alright, I have a lot to unpack with this movie. For starters, I kind of appreciate that this movie tried to talk about some pretty serious things. By comparison, the original did something similar. However, the original was far more subtle in its intent. This version prefers to take the approach of beating you over the head with its political views. Most of the characters kind of suck. I don’t necessarily mean that they’re shallow. I would typically expect that out of a slasher movie, and this tries to give some depth. Adding on to that point, the writing is genuinely pretty bad. But, my biggest problem with this film (and the thing that actually tempered my initial excitement) is the film’s PG-13 rating, especially because this film apparently was originally shot to be an R. So, the PG-13 move only suggests money to me. Overall, I don’t think there’s that much more for me to say about Black Christmas 2019 other than to say that I really didn’t like it.  

2 / 10 

Noelle

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Noelle is a film currently available on Disney+. The film follows Santa Claus’s daughter (played by Anna Kendrick) as she is forced to find her brother (played by Bill Hader) when he abandons his post as the next Santa Claus just before Christmas. Anna Kendrick is incredibly committed to her role in the film. She portrays Noelle as charming and naive, while giving her own charisma to the role. Bill Hader also does a good job, even though he feels underutilized. The film isn’t hilarious or anything, but there are a handful of solid laughs, and the film actually has some charm to it. Granted, a lot of the reason this movie works at all is Anna Kendrick. This movie isn’t perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. The ending is actually pretty predictable. Some of the effects are pretty spotty. The sets border on looking cheap. This is one of those movies that I did kind of enjoy. This certainly isn’t a movie I see myself watching every year, but I won’t begrudge anybody who does choose to make this a permanent staple. It’s not a bad movie per se, but I also don’t think it’s really anything special either. Give it a watch and see for yourself. 

7 / 10 

The Nightmare Before Christmas

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Jack Skellington is the pumpkin king, and he rules over Halloween. But, after years of doing the same thing every year, he begins to yearn for something difference. So, after he accidentally stumbles across Christmastown, he decides he wants to take Christmas for himself. There's a lot about this movie to love. The animation is awesome. I really appreciate how much time and effort goes into claymation. But, it goes deeper than that as well. The characters all have this distinct look to them that helps make them stand out. The music is quite catchy, even if I personally feel like a lot of the more Christmas-based music is some of the weaker music in the film, but it's still solid. The character's aren't super-deep, but they feel like they're as deep as they need to be. Since this is a kids' movie, I don't necessarily need them to be. This may not be one of my all-time favorites, but it's still an enjoyable movie with a distinct look that's worth a look by fans of off-kilter Christmas movies (as well as fans of Halloween) since this film can easily be watched on both holidays.

8 / 10 

Santa's Slay

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Santa's Slay is one of those movies that feels like it belongs in the same vein as the likes of Silent Night, Deadly Night and the remake of Black Christmas. The film stars Bill Goldberg as an evil version of Santa Claus. In this film, Santa was more of an antichrist figure. He was forced be good for 1000 years after losing a curling match (yeah, it's that kind of movie). When 1000 years are up, Santa goes on a killing spree, murdering anybody he deems naughty (or anybody he feels like, really). Bill Goldberg is clearly having fun in his role, even if he doesn't give a particularly good performance. This is true of every cast member in this movie. Goldberg aside, the cast member I truly think embodies this opinion of mine is Dave Thomas as Reverend Miller. This character is your stereotypical sleazy, hypocritical priest figure, and the man seems to be having fun every time he's on screen. One of my favorite scenes in the movie is one where he is asking his congregation to pray for and forgive a bunch of dead strippers (especially because the reverend was at the strip club the night before). It feels like it's kind of the right blend of stupid, dark, cheesy, and a little bit sleazy that this movie relishes in being, and is all the more entertaining for it. This may just be one of the strangest casts I've ever seen in a movie. The cast includes Emilie de Raven (Claire from Lost), James Caan, Chris Kattan, and Rebecca Gayheart from Urban Legend. The kills range from OK to legitimately creative. Some characters die because they shoved into things really hard. But, my favorite kill in the movie has to be one where a man is impaled to the wall with a menorah (this is the kind of genius level of stupid I want out of a movie like this). The movie also doesn't take itself too seriously-something I appreciate given how ridiculous this movie's premise is. If you enjoy off-kilter Christmas movies, bad Christmas movies, or bad movies in general, then check out Santa's Slay. You might find some legitimate bad movie fun in watching this. 

5 / 10 

Silent Night

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Released in 2012, Silent Night was a very loose remake of the cult classic Silent Night, Deadly Night. This film keeps the killer Santa aspect, but changes literally everything else. The film follows Deputy Aubrey Bradimore (played by Jaime King) when she is called in to work on Christmas Eve. We learn that this is Aubrey's first Christmas without her husband, who had since died. So, this is one of those movies that feels like it was made for me. I love slasher films, and off-kilter Christmas movies. I am happy to report that this movie was both. As much as I respect the sleazier original for trying to explore the film's killer in-depth, I actually think the remake is a genuinely better movie. Yeah, it is more of a generic slasher film, but I can't really complain about that. For one thing, we don't learn the killer's motive until the very end of the movie. For the most part, it's kept a mystery. The kills are incredibly mean-spirited, and I kind of love that. It feels perfect for a slasher movie set around Christmas. Jaime King, Malcolm McDowell, and Donal Logue are the best performers in the movie. In many respects, they feel too good for this movie. As for everybody else, they are about what you expect from a cheesy slasher flick. Malcolm McDowell kind of hams it up. The thing is, his character is this old man who seems to think he's more like Clint Eastwood than he actually is, and it's always entertaining in my eyes. Jaime King does do a strong job from a dramatic standpoint. Donal Logue has a great monologue near the end of the movie where he lets loose about his grievances with Christmas, and it actually kind of works. I also love this movie's send up to the "naughty" and "punish" catchphrases from the original. In this version, the killer never talks. So, he marks his victims by sending them lumps of coal. This is such a clever touch to add in my opinion. I also kind of dig the killer's look in this movie. It feels like just the right update for the original.  I can't say that Silent Night is a great movie. However, it's not bad. It's perfectly good. But, considering this was a direct-to-video remake of an '80s cult classic, I can't really fault it too much for that. 

7 / 10 

Home Alone

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Kevin McAllister (played by Macaulay Culkin) is accidentally left home alone when his family makes a mad dash and rushes to the airport on the day they are supposed to leave for their flight. Along the way, he must defend the family home from idiotic burglars Harry and Marv (played by Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern respectively) when they try to rob the house. As much as I love me some off-kilter Christmas movies, this may just be my favorite traditional Christmas film. It's got all of the things that seem to be required for a Christmas movie. First, the main protagonist has to learn a lesson about being selfish and not taking things for granted. I love the scene where Kevin talks to the fake Santa, saying "I know you're not the real Santa, but I know you work for him." I love this moment because it reminds you that even though he's been forced to start growing up in his current situation, it doesn't make him any less of a kid. This movie may also be Culkin's best performance in his career (and this is coming from someone who loved him in The Good Son). The performances by Pesci and Stern are also really good, The characters are generally pretty bumbling, but they can come off as somewhat intimidating if they absolutely need to. A lot of the moments in this movie could easily come off as cheesy. But, these moments work thanks to Chris Columbus's direction and the script by John Hughes. These two actually compliment each other so well in this movie that a lot of the moments that could come off as tonal whiplash all feel like they come together perfectly. I also love the opening to this movie. When we're presented with the family, they actually feel like they are just people. You understand where everybody comes from. Kevin isn't a perfect kid. He can get pushed too far and resort to violence. They family has a very understandable reaction too. I especially love the moments between Kevin and his mom (played by Catherine O'Hara). It feels so real to me. I genuinely understand where they're both coming from. I also love the moment in the church where Kevin talks with Old Man Marley (played by Roberts Blossom). The two come to an understanding despite Kevin's initial fears. I also have to say that is one John Williams' most underrated scores. It's such a good score, but I feel like people don't talk about it on the same level as Indiana Jones, Jurassic Park, and Harry Potter This is one of those movies that I love every aspect of. I see it as a must watch around the holiday season.

10 / 10 

Bad Santa 2

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Willie (played by Billy Bob Thornton) has spent the last thirteen years becoming embittered once again. His girlfriend has left him, and he has been trying to keep Thurman (played by Brett Kelly) at arm's distance. The problem with this is Thurman isn't very bright. Marcus (played by Tony Cox) has gotten out of jail and ropes Willie into a job in Chicago. This brings Willie back into contact with his estranged mother (played by Kathy Bates). The three plan to rob a charity run by Christina Hendricks and Ryan Hansen. There feel like legitimate attempts at heart in this movie, but the ending undercuts a lot of them (except the moments that have to do with Thurman). The twists and turns in this movie can really bog it down at times. These three constantly try to betray and double cross each other. They are very hard people to root for, but that's also kind of the point. Willie is a drunk politically incorrect asshole with no filter. That's the kind of humor this movie involves, and I laughed a lot. How does this compare to the original? I don't really know. I've only seen bits and pieces of the first movie. Having not seen the original, do I expect Bad Santa 2 to be as good? No, I don't. I can point to the likes of Zoolander 2 and Dumber and Dumber To sort of as proof. Now, I liked this movie a lot more than either of the other two I mentioned. I think Kathy Bates might actually be the scene stealer in this movie. She says a lot of awful, crass, disgusting things, and she sells every minute of it. I especially like watching her and Billy Bob Thornton work off each other a lot. Do I see this becoming a Christmas classic by any means? No. It's alright. I laughed a lot, but some of the story elements actually did bog the movie in a few places too many. As I already said, the jokes are very crass. If that's not your thing, then I wouldn't recommend this movie. If it is something that works okay for you, then maybe give it a watch.

6 / 10 

Better Watch Out

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Ashley (played by Olivia DeJonge) gets a job babysitting 12-year-old Luke (Levi Miller) during the Christmas holiday while his parents (played by Patrick Warburton and Virginia Madsen) are away at a holiday party. While the two are alone, things eventually start going wrong. This is another movie that actually does a good job playing with the conventions of slasher movies. It sort of feels like the opposite of that movie The Babysitter that came out a couple of months ago. The 12-year-old kid is actually the villain this time around. There’s actually good development between our hero and villain. They reveal that Luke actually has feelings for Ashley, and is willing to go to extremes to get what he wants, at least until he realizes he can’t get what he wants. Much of the movie is our heroine trying to survive a brutal night. The two leads are awesome. Olivia DeJonge is pretty solid throughout the whole thing. At first, I wasn’t feeling Levi Miller’s performance. Then, he started playing sinister. From there, the kid just seems like he’s having a ball and becomes a ton of fun to watch. But, the filmmakers never forget to make him actually feel like a legitimate threat. The ending is actually really good. They make it look like it’s going to go a certain way, but then they throw a wrench in it. As much as I enjoyed it, this movie does its flaws. There are points in Luke’s initial plan that play out without any explanation, so there never feels like there could have been any way these could have been pulled off the way they were.

7 / 10    

A Christmas Story

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A Christmas Story is a classic for a couple of reasons. One: it actually feels like a product of the holiday. Two: 24-hour marathons on TBS. Is this movie good? Abslutlely. Most of the humor works really well. I love the leg lamp. I love the little brother getting bundled up to the point he can hardly movie or breathe. The kids feel like genuine kids (not the kids you find on the Disney Channel). They swear (something the main character, Ralphie, feels mortified by). They dare each other to do stupid things. More accurately, one dares another to stick his tongue to a post. The Santa Claus in this movie is a cynical jerk who just wants to get through the day and get paid. Despite this movie's earnest childlike attitude, there is something of a cynical undertone. All Ralphie wants is Red Ryder BB Gun. The answer he always seems to get is: you'll shoot your eye out. You also get that perfect moment where Ralphie has to put on a pink bunny outfit to please an elderly relative. The best thing you can really say about this movie is that it has an essence of Christmas that you can't ignore or deny. This is a shorter review than normal because there really isn't much to say other than that this is a legitimately good movie.

9 / 10  

Black Christmas

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Black Christmas came out in 2006, and was a remake of the 1974 classic. Fifteen years ago, Billy Lenz (played by Robert Mann) murdered his family and was institutionalized. He escapes and goes home. His childhood home is now a sorority house. It doesn't take long before bodies start dropping, making for a bloody Christmas holiday. There are some pretty gruesome kills in this movie (a couple of them even making me want to throw up). The acting is generally pretty solid, from the main characters anyways. Then again, I feel like that should be expected when you have legit scream queens like Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Michelle Trachtenberg, and Katie Cassidy. A lot of the minor actors feel really cheesy when they deliver their lines. Nowhere do I feel this is better exemplified than the asylum scene near the beginning of the movie. My favorite is the guy who says they feed Billy chicken because that's the closest to how his mother used to taste. It's incredibly stupid, and the guy delivering the line has this bug-eyed look on his face. Those two things meshed together are amazing. I've mentioned that some of the kills in this movie are pretty gruesome, but there's actually some creativity to them too. I will warn that if you have a pretty weak stomach, this might not be the movie for you. For example, one girl gets a head cut in half with an ice skate. This death is ridiculous, amazing, and stupid all at once to me. The question you have ask is: Is this a good movie? The short answer is: no, it isn't. I am a fan of horror movies (especially slasher films), and this one hits just that right balance of being cheesy, gory, and fun. It's a perfect guilty pleasure for fans of off-kilter Christmas movies

7 / 10 

Silent Night, Deadly Night

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Silent Night, Deadly Night deals with a young man named Billy (played by Robert Brian Wilson). When he was a boy, his parents were killed by a man dressed as Santa Claus. Since then, Billy has been raised in a strict Catholic orphanage with the belief that Santa is evil and "punishment is good." I love this movie. It's not good, but it's a dumb slasher film with a killer who dresses up like Santa and kills people he deems "naughty." The acting isn't particularly good, but it feels just stilted enough that some of it is just really enjoyable. I love the sequel bait at the end (I might've loved it even more if the sequel never happened). As is, I still think it's hilarious. Every time he kills somebody, Bill will scream either "naughty" or "punish" and it always puts a smile on my face. There's also some amazing kills in this movie. For example, there's a dude sledding and Billy just kind of sticks his axe out (from pretty much out of nowhere) and decapitates this guy. There's a woman he kills by impaling her on a mounted deer head. There is something of sleazy feel to the movie that's not going to work for everybody. Hell, even I'm not completely sure how I feel about the beginning of the movie. Silent Night, Deadly Night is one of those movies I can't really say is good, but it's one of my all-time guilty pleasures. If you've never seen or heard of this movie, I kind of recommend giving it a watch, especially if you're somebody who has affinity for slasher movies (or bad movies in general).

 

Die Hard 2

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Die Hard 2 is the sequel to Die Hard, obviously. The movie takes place two years after the first film. John McClane is now working as a cop for the LAPD, and is in New York visiting family. He's at the airport waiting for his wife to fly in for the holidays. It doesn't take long before a group of terrorists take over the airport in order to free a dictator. Bruce Willis as John McClane is excellent as he usually is in the role (he's the main reason I don't particularly want to see Die Hard remade). The action sequences are awesome. This movie was directed by Renny Harlin. This was around a point in time where he showed promise as an action movie director. The terrorists won't let the planes in the air land. One of them has McClane's wife, Holly (played by Bonnie Bedelia) as a passenger. Die Hard 2 is a good movie, but there are problems. For example, the inclusion of Walter Peck (played by William Atherton) was pretty fun, but felt like they wanted to cram him in there. The villains in this movie also pale in comparison to the likes of Hans Gruber. William Sadler gives a good performance as the villain Colonel Stuart (a name I constantly forget), but I kind of think the writing lets him down a little bit. Die Hard 2 is a solid enough sequel. It's nowhere near as good as the first movie, and it's not quite as good as the third movie either. I recommend giving this movie a watch, especially if you're a fan of the Die Hard movies. 

6 / 10 

Scrooged

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Scrooged is a modern (as of the late 1980s) update of the Ebenezer Scrooge Christmas Carol story. The movie centers around Frank Cross (played by Bill Murray). Cross is naturally an asshole who only cares about himself. He is the head of a television company. So, I love this movie. I mean the story of a jerk being humbled is nothing original. Admittedly, it's hard to do a lot of incredibly original ideas with another telling of A Christmas Carol. Here's what I love about this particular adaptation that none of the rest really do. The ghosts that visit him are complete dicks to him, in addition to trying to show him the error of his ways. My favorite is probably Carol Kane as the Ghost of Christmas Present, who just subjects Cross to constant physical abuse. Now, youreally get an understanding of why Cross is the way he is. His father wasn't much of a dad to him. It makes sense because he would do what he raised to believe. I also love Bobcat Goldthwait as an employee that Cross fires. The man just kind of goes over the deep end. A lot of the humor has a dark, mean-spirited undertone. I've already mentioned the physical and mental abuse that the ghosts inflict on Cross throughout the movie. Goldthwait's character gets pushed to the point he decides he's going to kill Cross. But, you also get a good heart and character development to this movie. The ghosts also get some update. For example, the Ghost of Christmas Past (played by David Johansen) is a phantom taxi driver in this movie. The Jacob Marley stand-in in this movie is Lew Hayward (played by Jon Forsythe). Instead of being a business partner, he was more of a mentor and superior figure. Scrooged works because it embraces its dark, mean-spirited sense of humor and because Bill Murray gives the movie his all.

9 / 10