Fifty Shades of Grey

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I once told myself that this was a movie I would never see because I had no interest in it. Yet, I watched it. Why? Because I want to be rounded enough with my ten worst movies of the year list, when I'm eventually able to get to writing it. Let me make clear that that doesn't change my lack of desire to watch the movie. Oh boy, will this be right near the top of my worst of the year list. This is one of the most boring, soulless movies I have ever seen. At a point, I realized that this would've worked a hell of a lot better if it were a horror movie. The character of Christian Grey (played by a wooden, charmless, uncharismatic Jamie Dornan) comes off either as a stalker you would find in a movie like Fatal Attraction or as a serial killer closing in on his new prey. Dornan's dull, lifeless, and robotic performance is made all the more painfully obvious when I see the rest of the actors attempting to put actual emotion in their lines. I wish Fifty Shades of Grey was unintentionally hilarious, at least it would've come off as a far more entertaining movie than this unintentionally creepy piece of crap. It was easily one of the hardest sits I have ever had in a movie. This is possibly one of  the worst-written films I have ever witnessed. There is actually a scene where Grey talks to the hungover Anastasia Steele, (a miscast Dakota Johnson, who admittedly tries but can't seem to make her dialogue work) in a scene that contains even worse chemistry than a Twilight movie. He tells her that he had undressed her, and put her to bed, and slept in the same bed as her. "Did we?" she asks him. His answer is "I'm not into necrophilia." That honestly begs the question, do these people know what necrophilia is? I know it's a nitpick, but I'm just showing how bad I think the writing is. On a more positive note, the movie looks nice. It is well-shot. The cinematography is nice. However, any possible good will the cinematography is is undone by one of the worst possible sins it possibly could. It just isn't a sexy movie. And that's what the main criteria for a movie like Fifty Shades of Grey should be, but it just doesn't succeed. Instead, it leaves me bored, thinking about the million other things I should probably be doing with my life.

1 / 10    

Fant4stic

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Fant4stic’s biggest problem is that it’s just bad. The best way I can explain this is comparing it to other classic examples of bad movies. First up, The Wicker Man starring Nicolas Cage. That is a movie that is so bad, it’s enjoyable. The other is The Cat in the Hat, starring Mike Myers. This was a movie that was memorably bad for how offensive and infuriating it was to sit through. Fant4stic doesn’t reach either of those levels, and that’s why, for the most part, it doesn’t work. A lot of the terrible things that were supposed to happen seem to end up being nowhere to be found in the finished product. I actually wish these problems were present because, at least that would’ve made a bad movie that was memorable in some way.  The movie has good acting, but is let down by its direction, writing, and inconsistent tone. The production nightmare stories you hear do start to manifest themselves as the movie goes on. The visual effects are very hit and miss. The CG on the Thing was alright, not the best, not the worst. The design of Doctor Doom is truly atrocious, as are the effects involving Reed Richards’ stretching ability. One of the plot points I do remember being truly terrible is one that involves the character of The Thing and the origin of his catchphrase “It’s Clobbering Time.” Despite good acting, and a halfway decent chemistry between the actors, everything else just seems to let the movie down in the end. 

4 / 10    

The Cobbler

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The Cobbler has a unique premise centering on a shoe repairman who uses a machine that allows him to become his customers. Unfortunately, it is bogged down by a dull script and slow pace that rarely allows the decent acting a chance to shine. At points, I did find myself laughing at some of the movie’s more surreal moments. Is this one of the worst movies of the year to me? No, I really don’t know if it is. But, I can’t quite bring myself to like the movie. There are several uninspired, boring cliches. The movie crawls along at a snail’s pace, feeling longer. The rare comedic moments in the movie come from its occasional strange surrealism. Some of the dramatic moments almost hinge on the point of being cheesy. For the most part, the acting is alright. Adam Sandler actually does give a softer, more understated performance, which is a breath of fresh air compared to most of his performances lately. In contrast, Method Man comes off as forced when he is attempting to be threatening and gives the movie’s worst performance. The movie’s tone feels all over the place. At one point it feels like a drama. At another point it seems like a screwball comedy. At other points still, it feels like a black comedy, going into dark territory for Adam Sandler. The movie is topped off with a truly awful twist ending that had absolutely no bearing on the overall plot. As I said, there are sparkles of goodness in the movie, but there’s also a lot of other things, too.  

5 / 10 

Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation

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So, for a while, I've been a fan of the Mission: Impossible movies, mostly because when J.J. Abrams took over and directed the third movie in the series, I feel this series started to find its momentum. While I did enjoy the first movie, the second one felt over-bloated and kind of boring. I can report though, that Rogue Nation is the best one in the series. I have a lot of respect for Tom Cruise as an action star because he does his own stunts. The action scenes in this movie were pretty breathtaking. The chemistry between the main stars was awesome. The way Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, Simon Pegg, and Ving Rhames work off each other actually does make them a pretty believable team in opinion. I also really have to compliment Rebecca Ferguson because one of the issues these movies admittedly have is forgettable, throw-way female characters. The female lead in this one is awesome. She was strong, bad-ass, and memorable. Ferguson pulled the role off like a pro. The plot wasn't the most original, but that is something I can forgive because there is just so much goodness to be found in this movie. The only major problem I admit I have with the movie is the villain. The other main issue this series tends to have (save for the always incredible Philip Seymour Hoffman) is weak villains. That's not me trying to knock the actor who plays the villain in this movie, but as I was thinking about the movie I couldn't really remember anything he said. And that's why the villain is what knocks this movie down a touch for me as opposed to the plot. I didn't struggle to remember the plot like I did with the villain. Fans of the Mission: Impossible series definitely won't be disappointed.

9 / 10