Nine Lives

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So, as I was watching Nine Lives, I honestly started asking myself why this piece of shit was even happening in 2016. This belongs squarely in 1995, when movies like this were always made. Within the first five minutes, I was baffled as to whether I was witnessing horrendous green screen or a shitty, obvious fake set. The predictable story is about a workaholic father who has no time for his family. He switches bodies with a cat, and must learn a valuable lesson about life. I know I’ve seen this story a thousand times already. But, here’s the thing. The writing does the protagonist zero favors. He’s thoroughly unlikable. Kevin Spacey is one of the greatest actors of all time. But, I have to ask. Is he really so desperate for work outside of House of Cards that he had to say yes to NINE LIVES!? Christopher Walken is normally an entertaining and charismatic presence in anything he’s in. Even he doesn’t seem to want to be here. He honestly seems like he’s half asleep through most of the movie. I can’t necessarily say that Jennifer Garner, Robbie Amell, and the actress who plays Spacey and Garner’s daughter give necessarily “good” performances, but at least I feel like they are trying to a degree. Did the writers actually know they were writing a children’s movie. The first thing our “hero” does when he gets home in disguise as a cat is literally get shit-faced on Scotch. The humor is awful. The writing is atrocious. The tone is nonexistent. The CGI is good… for the freaking 90s. Why? Why in the flying fuck was this even made? I mean it, this is bottom-of-the-barrel bullshit. Nine Lives is absolutely guaranteed a spot on my worst of the year list. As if I haven’t said it enough. Fuck this piece of garbage! Avoid Nine Lives any possible cost.

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