Fifty Shades Darker

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“I don’t like strangers gawking at you.” This is a line uttered by Christian Grey (played again by Jamie Dornan) after buying a gallery filled with pictures of his ex-girlfriend, Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson, also reprising her role). This happens before the fucking ten-minute mark. You know what, I didn’t think it was possible, but Fifty Shades Darker is actually WORSE than the first. At least the first movie tries to have some semblance of a plot. This doesn’t even have that. Apparently, the author of the books hated the first movie (which might actually give me a measly speck of respect for the first movie). She actually co-wrote the screenplay for this one. Not one character is remotely fucking likable. They’re all awful people who seem like they’re in a competition for worst character in the movie. Anastasia Steele is even more weak-willed and stupid this time around. This idiot questions how Christian was able to get her bank account numbers (and they actually play this up as charming). There are some SERIOUS red flags that should be raised in this moment. There is a point where our two leads are arguing. Christian (ever the stoic hero he’s held up as) yells at her saying: “For once, do what you’re told!” or something to that effect. The problem with this is that she has been doing what she’s told for the whole damn movie. They actually make you root for Christian Grey (something that shouldn’t fucking happen at all). The reason for this is because Anastasia’s boss objectifies women even more than Grey himself. I HATED everything about this piece of shit. Not one person gave a good performance (Admittedly, Dakota Johnson tries to give a good performance once again). Everybody comes off as awkward when they are trying to talk with one another. I am scared of the possibility that a movie could along this year that’s worse than this.

0 / 10      

Rings

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Rings is the third film in the American Ring franchise. When I first heard that this movie was happening, I was actually pretty excited. I actually really liked Gore Verbinski’s The Ring. There was this chilling atmosphere to the movie that helped make it feel fresh and new, even though it was technically a remake. I find it funny that this movie was so heavily panned by critics. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a bad movie, but I don’t think it’s 6% on Rotten Tomatoes bad. The main two actors are awful. They are both bland and lifeless. They have little to no chemistry with one another, or the much more talented supporting cast. Johnny Galecki plays a college professor who is using the tape to conduct experiments. I feel that there is something to this idea, but it just wasn’t executed well enough. I wish Galecki was the main character in the film over the two dull college students I’m stuck with. The filmmakers kind of, sort of attempt to flesh this storyline out a little bit, but I don’t know how exactly he figured out how to copy the tape as a way to escape its wrath. This is actually something people just kind of know in this movie, but at no point is the audience either shown or told how characters know this information. The opening scene was terrible. Thankfully, the rest of the movie that followed was nowhere near as bad. In this one scenes, the rules established by the first Ring movie feel like they are almost entirely negated. Overall, while Rings does have some good ideas, and a couple of decent performances, it suffers from half-assed execution, a terrible opening scene, and lifeless lead performances.  

3 / 10

John Wick: Chapter 2

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John Wick: Chapter 2 picks up almost immediately after the events of the first film. This time around, a crime lord (Ricardo Scamaricho) comes to John Wick’s front door to collect on an old debt. Despite an initial refusal, John Wick agrees to the job. However the crime lord betrays him, and opens a contract.  From here, John Wick has to run from the crime lord’s security and bodyguards, the bodyguard of one of his targets (Common), and numerous hitmen looking to collect a big sum of money. I liked the set up to bring John Wick back into this world he’s tried to leave behind (even if the first film did it a little bit better.) The cast is really damn solid once again. I always love seeing Peter Stormare pop up in stuff, and this is no exception. Laurence Fishburne brings a charisma and swagger to his performance as a ruthless crime lord called the Bowery King, and I absolutely appreciate his performance. Keanu Reeves is pretty good as John Wick again (though he does feel flat a couple of times). However, in the action sequences, the man is amazing. The John Wick movies really make you feel like this guy is the Jason Voorhees of assassins. Director Chad Stahelski handles the direction of the action fantastically. There isn’t an ounce of shaky cam to be found, which I will always praise. The world building in the movie feels natural, and actually manages to build on what was already established in the first film, without sacrificing any of the established continuity. Ultimately, John Wick: Chapter 2 works as a badass action movie sequel that is a worthy addition to the first film, even if it has a couple minor rusty spots. This movie builds up the possibility of a John Wick: Chapter 3, and I honestly can’t wait to see what that movie can offer.

9 / 10             

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

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Alice (played again by Milla Jovovich) is betrayed by Albert Wesker (Shawn Roberts) in Washington D.C. If you have seen all of these movies, and could actually follow the plot of the entire film series, I salute you. Personally, as much as I enjoy this series on a guilty pleasure status, I really can’t follow the series' plot anymore. For one thing, in the last movie, Alice is given a mission by Albert Wesker to go stop the Red Queen (a program that went all Agent Smith or something like that). The Red Queen even tells a brainwashed Jill Valentine to kill Alice. In this one, the Red Queen wants to stop Umbrella instead of control it. They even backtrack on plot points set up in previous movies. For example, Resident Evil: Apocalypse set up that Jared Harris created the virus that wiped out humanity, and based the Red Queen off of his daughter. In this one, Lord Friend Zone from Game of Thrones is the guy who ran Umbrella and based the Red Queen off of his friend’s daughter. The two of tem created the virus that wiped people out. The daughter also has some disease that causes her to age rapidly. By this point, the franchise’s story is as clear as the X-Men franchise. I want to talk about the action sequences in this movie. Normally, Paul W.S. Anderson’s action sequences are clear, crisp, and well shot. Here, they look more like an Olivier Megaton film. I can’t tell what the hell is happening here. There doesn’t really feel like much of a plot structure. It’s just kind of Alice gets knocked out and wakes up in a place. She gets knocked out. The scene ends. She wakes up. The next scene begins. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. All right, let’s talk about positives. The cast is decent enough. They clearly care about their performances to an extent. I also appreciate that they smart Alice up a little bit again, especially after the complete idiot she was in the previous movie. While I did enjoy aspects of Resident Evil: The Final Chapter on something of a guilty pleasure level, I still don’t know if I can recommend this movie because it is big, loud, stupid trash.

3 / 10