The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning is a prequel to the 2003 remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The film follows the origins of the character Leatherface (played by Andrew Bryniarski), and simultaneously deals with a group of so-called characters you don’t give a shit about as they try to survive Leatherface and his villainous family. I want to start with positives. R. Lee Ermey plays Laetherface’s father, and he’s great in the movie. He genuinely comes off as a threatening villain when he needs to. So, that was what I liked. Everything else just falls flat. The gore is there for the sake of gore. This is a movie that revels in the fact that it is vile, disgusting, bloody, and gross. I am not someone who takes issues with blood and gore by any means. This was too much even for me. The opening of the movie shows the birth of Leatherface in a slaughterhouse, and it shows the full birth in detail. The character development is thin to the point that these cardboard cutouts feel like they are far from actually being characters. The actors aren’t the worst, but they almost all fail to stand out among the pack. For this reason, I can’t bring myself to care or even feel invested when horrible things happen to our “heroes” in the movie. It also doesn’t help that there is no such thing as a fucking likable character in this piece of shit. Everyone has to be a bitch, an asshole, or a douchebag. This is something about horror movie remakes I never understood. It doesn’t make the characters more relatable. The fact that this movie is a prequel really hurts this movie too. If you saw the previous movie, you know exactly who is and isn’t in it, so that ruins the surprise. The editing in this is awful. It will cut from scene to scene, and it is almost always jarring. It literally cuts from as gruesome to death to the introduction of the main “protagonists” of the movie without warning. It makes transitions like this regularly throughout the movie. I hate the cinematography too. It has this butt-ugly snot-yellow look to it for most of the movie. Half the time, you can’t make out what’s even happening. The ending tries to pay homage to franchise as whole, but all that really does is make it feel legitimately insulting. This is one of the ugliest fucking things I think I have ever had the misfortune to watch. It isn’t the worst movie I have ever seen, but definitely is one of them. Even the great R. Lee Ermey couldn’t save this movie.

0 / 10   

Tremors

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Giant worm-like creatures invade a small town, forcing the inhabitants to try and survive, and kill the creatures. Kevin Bacon and Fred Ward play two doofus handymen that are completely out of their depth. Their chemistry and comedic timing is really good. Even though this movie is really funny, it doesn't forget to make the creatures feel threatening, and can be frightening when they need to. The pratical effects are solid. The characters are great. Aside from Val and Earl (the characters played by Bacon and Ward), I also love Michael Gross and Reba McEntire as these two gun-toting survivalist rednecks. The character development is fairly, I will admit. Val and Earl probably have the most development to them. They don't like their jobs, and want to leave the small town. The characters also show intelligence throughout the movie. The three main characters realize on their own that the creatures react to vibrations. Some of the uses of vibrations in the movie actually do a good job utilizing tension. My favorite is a little girl using a pogo stick out in the open not knowing about the creatures yet. Even if the movie can be tense, I will admit I don't think the movie is particularly scary. This is a tricky balance for any horror comedy. For me, the comedy heavily outweighs the horror. Tremors has good performances, solid chemistry between the two leads, and strong creature effects. This allows the movie overcome its shortcomings in terms of being scary and in terms of character development.

8 / 10 

Training Day

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Rookie cop Jake Hoyt (played by Ethan Hawke) spends the day with well known detective Alonzo Harris (played by Denzel Washington) in an effort to make to make detective himself some day. The movie is written by David Ayer and directed by Antoine Fuqua. These two really show an understanding of the characters in this movie. You understand from the get go who Hoyt and Harris are as characters. Hoyt is a rookie, and can often come off as a bit of wuss. Alonzo is a corrupt hot head. Almost immediately, you having a sneaking suspicion that at least one of these two is going to die by the end of the movie. At least, that's how it was for me, having never seen the movie before. I also love the use of foreshadowing in this movie. It's something you don't really notice while you watch the movie, but everything sort of clicks when you think about it afterwards. As much as I love this movie, and want to sing its praises, I do have a minor problem with this movie. Most of the acting in this movie is great. However, Dr. Dre sticks out like a sore thumb. I just don't buy him in his role. Then, his shortcomings as an actor are fully exposed when he has to be onscreen opposite Denzel Washington (who pretty much owns this movie), Ethan Hawke, and Scott Glen. The only reason this doesn't bother me too much, is because he's not in the movie for very long. Overall, despite Dr. Dre's performance, almost everything seems to work perfectly.

9 / 10 

Mom and Dad

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An epidemic breaks out that leads to parents trying to kill their children. From the minute I saw the trailer for this movie, I was intrigued. From the beginning of the movie, I felt like I understood the four main characters. The main character is a girl named Carly (played by Anne Winters). She does some pretty unlikable, awful things near the beginning of the movie. The character (and performance) ultimately does work for me overall. She feels like a teenage girl, but she genuinely wants to make sure her little brother is all right. Knowing the premise going in was something I found fascinating. Writer and director Brian Taylor truly seems to understand tension. If you know the premise, you do watch this movie wondering what is finally going to set the parents off, and I thought it was really well handled. By far, the best performers in the movie are Nicolas Cage and Selma Blair. Blair gives her mother character (named Kendall) some genuine emotion. She’s a woman who just wants to have a relationship with her daughter. But they make sure to put extra moments in the movie to show that she is a caring mother even amid the epidemic. By far, the thing I took away from this movie was that Brian Taylor truly understood how to utilize Nicolas Cage. He gets some good dramatic moments. However, the man is truly at his best when he gets to let loose anytime he’s in a movie. This is the craziest I think he has been in a long time. As much as I honestly loved this movie, I did have a minor nitpick I wanted to address. There’s a character in the movie, and they do things with this character that takes a little bit more suspension of disbelief than even I expected out of this movie.

9 / 10

Proud Mary

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A hitwoman named Mary (played by Taraji P. Henson) carries out a hit and accidentally leaves a young boy named Danny (played by Jahi D’Allo Winston) orphaned. This leaves her to try and take care of him, as well as doing what she can to walk away from the life she lives. The idea, the action sequences, and the performances are all pretty solid (especially Taraji P. Henson and Billy Brown). But, there’s something about this movie that I can’t help but feel is missing. The result of all these great things coming together feels incredibly hollow, and I have no idea why. I think it could be the story. It doesn’t feel like there really is much of one. Things don’t feel like they really progress. Some of the pacing is just incredibly sloppy. There are things that just happen without any real buildup. It doesn’t feel like there’s any real reason for these things to happen. A big part of the problem is the direction. The movie is directed by Babak Najafi (the same guy who directed London Has Fallen). I had the same issue with both movies. They were just both very bland films that I should have enjoyed a lot more than I did. Overall, Proud Mary is a movie with good performances, action sequences, and concept, but a hollow story, weak pacing, and dull direction.

5 / 10   

White Chicks

I know what you're thinking. Why the fuck am I reviewing White Chicks? The answer is: because I can. I first saw this movie when I was 9 years old, probably the perfect time for me think this was one of the funniest movies I had ever seen. So, can I look at this movie almost fifteen years later and still really enjoy it? Honestly, yeah, kind of. Don't get me wrong, this isn't a great movie. Hell, I think calling it a good movie might even be a stretch. In this movie's defense, I don't think this is a movie that was necessarily made for critics. The humor is juvenile, maybe even borderline offensive. But, I'd be lying I said this movie didn't make me laugh. Some of the biggest laughs I get out of this movie happen every time Terry Crews is onscreen. The man just has this natural charm and charisma to seems to lend even the worst projects just a little bit of credibility. This movie is no exception. Every time I see him, it looks like he is just having the time of his life, and is willing to go with it for even the stupidest moments.

This scene to me is the perfect example. I died laughing. There is no way I should laugh so hard at this scene, but I do. Again, this isn't a "good" movie. There are moments where I wasn't laughing so much just feeling kind of uncomfortable (and definitely not in a good way).

This is the scene that most encompasses the moments of the movie that I legitimately think don't work at all. This scene isn't all that funny to me, it was just kind of awkward. That said, the other performer I kind of want to give props to is Jennifer Carpenter. She doesn't have a big role, but I think he does the best can with what she's got. Overall, White Chicks does still have its laughs for me. I definitely don't see this as a comedy masterpiece like I did when I was 9 (something I'm kind of thankful for), but I still think this might be one of my personal guilty pleasures. It's a movie I think is funny, even though I know I really shouldn't.

The End of the F***ing World - Season 1

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The End of the F***ing World is a black comedy Netlflix original series. The show follows two misfit teenagers on a road trip to escape their crappy lives. This is absolutely one of those shows where you watching it, wanting things to have a good ending, but you're never really sure that's what's going to happen. Alyssa is brash and rebellious, and doesn't really fit in, mostly because she doesn't seem to want to. She is the one who comes up with the idea to run away. James believes he is a psychopath. He only agrees to running away with Alyssa because he thinks he wants to kill her. I love watching these characters, and the performances by Alex Lawther and Jessica Braden are excellent. Their interactions make up the heart of the show. You hear both of their inner thoughts throughout the show. Along the way, these characters find themselves increasingly involved in robbery, breaking and entering, and murder. For this reason, two detectives (played by Gemma Whelan and Winnie Mosaku) begin searching for them. The characters are all around excellent. They all fit into this show's setting and tone perfectly.Because the show carries a dark sense of humor, the genuinely heart-felt and darker moments never feel out of place or like a tonal shift. The show is excellently paced. There are only 8 20-minute episodes. This is about the length of a two and a half hour movie. Each episode flows into the next pretty perfectly. The final episode is fittingly pretty tense. The overall ending has me curious as to whether or not there is going to be a second season. If there is, what will they do? This is one of the rare shows I have seen where everything just seems to work. The writing is great. The directing is great. The performances are great. This is a show I highly recommend watching. 

A+

Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa

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This exists. THIS EXISTS! What is the secret behind Rapsittie Street Kids: Believe in Santa? Somehow this was able to make it television, even if it did only air once. The animation is horrifying. I’d say it reminds me of the music video for Money for Nothing by Dire Straits, but I wouldn’t want to insult Dire Straits. I mean look at this shit. 

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That is from 2002. Does it even look like they’re alive (or human for that matter). The pacing is torturous. Watching this thing felt like pulling teeth. The way it flowed never felt right. Every time a new sentence was spoken, or a new scene started it was just jarring. Halfway through, someone decided this should start having musical numbers. They don’t work. It doesn’t sound like there’s even a melody to these things. My heart sank around the ten minute mark because I realized I still had a half hour left in this god awful special. The special is 42 minutes long, and should’ve have had ten minutes taken off. Most of the voice cast is just awful. The voices are as robotic as the animation. Perhaps the worst offender (and I really hate to say it) is Nancy Cartwright. Part of this is because all she’s doing is the voice of Nelson from The Simpson. The only voice actor that was OK was mark Hamill. It’s sad when phoning it in is the best voiceover work this special has to offer. The other part of it comes from the fact that this voice doesn’t really fit the character at all. The rapping actually made me long for Vanilla Ice (somehow making him look like 2Pac). Every fucking minute this thing went on, I’m pretty sure a piece me died and my IQ dropped. All in all, the most I can about this special is: shut that door.