North

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North is one of those movies that I feel almost at a loss to review. Released in 1994, the film follows a young boy named North (played by Elijah Wood) who divorces his parents and travels the world searching for new ones. This movie is a lot of things. It's bizarre, surreal, and stupid. The one thing I can definitely say it isn't is funny. You know what, saying this movie is unfunny might be too nice. Let me be more blunt. North is a barren wasteland of comedy. If you think I'm being too harsh on this movie, then know this: it is unbelievably easy to make me laugh. So, naturally I will be harder on this movie than most others. It probably doesn't help that North couldn't even manage to get a smirk out of me. To give an example of what this movie's sense of humor is like, there's a scene of dialogue following North's decision to divorce his parents. A random parent says "They won't take this lying down." The film then smash cuts to North's parents (played by Jason Alexander and Julia Louise-Dreyfuss) fainting. Ha. Ha. Ha. I know that this movie is from the mid 90s, but I still find it a little problematic that they cast Kathy Bates as a Native American (and spray paint her tan to do so). I would actually have a lot less of an issue with just keeping Kathy Bates white. I'll give Elijah Wood some credit. He is the only actor who seems like he's trying to give a decent performance. Everyone else is clearly phoning it in. The most obvious example of proving to have an "I don't give a shit" performance is Bruce Willis. Alright, I've talked about the movie's awful humor and half-assed acting. At this point, I need to talk about what might one of the worst parts of this movie, the ending. I could say spoilers, but this movie is 25 years old, and isn't worth seeking out. At all. They went for the "it was all a dream plot twist." The reason this doesn't work isn't because it's one of the most tired cliches ever (even if that really doesn't help). It doesn't work because it actually makes most of the movie pointless. Plot developments feel like they just kind of happen as the movie goes on. They don't come off as happening organically. It feels more like they come up as the script is being written instead. I think this might actually be one of the worst movies I've ever seen. North is one of those movies that I actually hate more the more I think about it. 

1 / 10 

Alita: Battle Angel

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Alita: Battle Angel is based off the manga, and has been in development for several years. Originally, this was intended be producer James Cameron’s next project following the short lived television series Dark Angel, all the way back in 2003. Obviously, things didn’t go that way, seeing as Avatar was released first instead. Before I go any further with this review, I should mention that I have never read the manga. So, I will be judging this purely as a movie on its own. The film follows a cyborg named Alita (played by Rosa Salazar) trying to navigate the world, and learn both who and what she is after her dismembered body is discovered in a scrapyard by Ido (played by Christoph Waltz). Ido puts her back together, minus memories of whatever her previous life was. OK, the plot is a lot more complicated than that. In the hands of far less skilled people than the likes of James Cameron and director Robert Rodriguez, this would be an extremely hard balancing act. But, the film is surprisingly easy to follow. I suppose I should talk about my issues with the movie first, as they are honestly very few. The one problem I really have with this film is Jennifer Connelly’s performance. Connelly never really comes off as though she is actually invested. Every time she is on screen, I just think “please emote.” Although, I do have to admit that I’ve never particularly liked Connelly as an actress. Fortunately, everything else in this film seems to work. The romantic subplot might not work for everybody, but it did work for me. Although I do have to admit, a lot of that probably comes from the fact that Rosa Salazar as Alita is the movie’s greatest strength (alongside the visuals). Salazard plays both the badass warrior and the naive innocent to a tee. Yes, I should say again the other thing that is truly stellar about this film is the visual effects. They are wonderful to look at. I also have to say that they really didn’t distract from the movie for me. Instead, they helped enhance the overall experience. Overall, I truly loved and admired Alita: Battle Angel in almost every way possible.

9 / 10 

Miss Bala

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Miss Bala centers on makeup artist Gloria (played by Gina Rodriguez). Gloria’s friend disappears one night while the two women are at a club. Gloria soon finds herself roped into helping both the DEA and a drug lord named Lino (played by Ismael Cruz Cordova). From there, she must use whatever strength and cunning she has in order to survive. I almost want to recommend Miss Bala—almost. Gina Rodriguez is the one thing about the film that truly stands out in my eyes. She owns every scene she is in (and sells every aspect of her performance and character). The unfortunate thing is, one strong central performance just isn’t anywhere near enough. The action isn’t awful. It’s just kind of standard, and it doesn’t really feel like there’s quite enough of it. I do also kind of have to give some credit to Ismael Cruz Cordova as the villainous Lino. The problem is he just doesn’t have particularly strong material to work with. Anthony Mackie’s in this movie. It doesn’t feel like he plays a character so much as a glorified cameo. Maybe he had a day off from filming Avengers. It doesn’t help that he clearly isn’t trying (something I didn’t expect from an actor who is usually charismatic). I also have to wonder if this movie would have been better if it committed to an R rating (which the Spanish language original was rated). I also have to admit that I haven’t seen the original version, so I can’t really (or even fairly) compare the two movies. I don’t want this come off as though I’m mad at this movie. I’m not. There are some decent aspects to this movie, just not enough for me to really care enough to a). get angry enough to say this is awful or b). say this is a good movie that’s worth checking out. Ultimately, I have to say you shouldn’t see this. That’s unfortunate because I actually wanted to see this movie. 

5 / 10 

Serenity

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This is a movie that I feel at a loss to review. The trailers seem to market Serenity as a movie about a fisherman named Baker Dill (played by Matthew McConaughey). His life is complicated when his ex-wife Karen (played by Anne Hathaway) returns into his life and drags him into a plot involving extortion and murder. Yes, that is a piece of the puzzle. However, the movie eventually falls into a pit of bat-shit insanity that cannot be explained. This is where I am at a loss. I want to describe the insanity that this movie contains. However, much of this craziness comes from key plot points I don’t dare spoil. The performances (especially those of McConaughey and Hathaway) are kind of difficult to get a read on. I see this in one of three ways. The first is that the actors are legitimately trying. The second is that the actors know exactly what kind of movie they are in, and act over the top because of this. The third possibility is that it is a mix of both. I came to the conclusion that the reason these performances are so difficult to really get a grasp on is because it’s talented cast of Oscar winners and nominees. I don’t know if I can technically say this is a good movie, because I’m honestly not convinced that it is. What I can guarantee is that this is a memorable movie. It sort of starts out as something generic at best. However, the film’s main plot twist completely changes things. Again, I don’t dare spoil this movie’s twist in the review. This is one of those movies I really have to recommend, especially to fans of trashy, bad movies. If you do take this review (and my recommendation) to heart, then trust me when I say that it is honestly best to go in blind.

4 / 10   

Close

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Close is an action thriller currently available to stream on Netflix. Noomi Rapace plays Sam, a woman hired as the bodyguard for a young business heiress. As you can imagine, things go wrong. Several mercenaries start trying to kill the girl, forcing Sam to take action and do everything in her power to keep the girl alive. The movie’s greatest strength is probably its acting. Rapace stands out in particular. In her performance, she wears a weathered look on her face. It just seems like she has seen and dealt with a lot. It also helps that the actress sells the action scenes as well. The quality of the action sequences varies. Some of them (primarily the shootouts) feel generic and kind of standard. On the other hand, the fist fights (even if they seem to be fairly few) are actually fairly well-done, and come off as brutal, visceral, and intimate. There is one in particular that really works for me about two thirds of the way through. It made me wonder whether or not the protagonist was actually going to win. If I’m being honest, there is one aspect that I truly think sinks this movie. There isn’t really a central villain. The movie makes you think that it’s going one way, but it doesn’t go that way. In my eyes, it doesn’t come off as though they were trying to subvert expectations. It felt more like the filmmakers just didn’t have the balls to commit. I know that it may seem like I’m harping on this one thing (and to an extent, I am). The thing is, there’s a saying that a hero is only as strong as the villain. If there isn’t a suitable antagonist to match the protagonist in some way, then I truly feel the final product suffers because of it. Overall, I believe that Close had the potential to be something far stronger. However, pacing issues and the lack of a strong antagonist are where this movie truly suffers. 

5 / 10  

Ax 'Em

This movie is something special. Before I get into this film, I have to give my background with it. I didn't actually know it existed until a couple of months ago. I got this book for Christmas called The Bad Movie Bible. I stumbled upon this and realized I had to seek the film out in whatever way I possibly could. The movie opens with a hilariously awful opening text.

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I don't think words can actually describe the poor grammar on display here. As soon as I read this, I burst out laughing. To be somewhat fair, I don't necessarily want to be overly hard this because it was an independent film made by a group of college kids. Or, that's how it comes across at the very least. Every single transition used in this movie is a fade to black. I wish I was making that up, but I'm not. The opening credits are baffling. They are done over a hip hop dance sequence, and it was obvious that they were put together using a computer software.

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Yeah. Normally, the next step would be to meet the cardboard cutouts passing themselves off as characters. I don't think I'm going to do that because I still didn't know their names by the time we got to 20 minutes. I mean, these barely count as "characters," even by slasher movie standards. The music is hard to explain. Most of the time, it drowns out the dialogue. Also, most of the time, it feels thoroughly out of place. Plus (and I think this goes without saying) the acting is atrocious. And yes, I know that slasher movies aren't known for being stellar, Oscar-worthy material. But, this is bad by slasher movie standards.

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This particular image is the moment that leads in to the film's first kill (which is both badly acted and done off-screen). The rest of the deaths are done incredibly quickly, and with obviously fake blood poured on the actors. The story is surprisingly hard to follow, mostly because you never actually know who the characters are. The initial goal for this review was to break the movie down by its entire plot. I had to abandon this idea by the time I got to about 25 minutes, mostly because I'm not exactly convinced there actually was a plot.

I'd also like to admit here and now that this movie was only 70 minutes long. It was about 45 minutes in before I learned that the first victim of the movie was the grandfather of one of the college kids staying out in the woods. If that doesn't show how nothing the characters are, I don't know what does.  

Am I going to give this movie a rating? No. Does it really matter if this movie has a numbered rating attached to it? I'm not convinced that it does. I can tell you two things in the end. One: this movie is a complete and utter failure as a horror movie. Two: this is one of the most unintentionally funny movies I have ever seen.
  

Glass

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Glass serves as a sequel to both Unbreakable and Split, and is effectively the final chapter of M. Night Shyamalan’s Eastrail 177 Trilogy. Following the events of Split, David Dunn (played by Bruce Willis) is hunting Kevin Wendall Crumb a.k.a. The Horde (played by James McAvoy). When they cross paths, both men are captured and institutionalized alongside Elijah Price a.k.a. Mr. Glass (played by Samuel L. Jackson). While the three are institutionalized, they are studied by a a doctor (played by Sarah Paulson). Her goal is to convince them that they are not super powered, like they believe they are. First things first, the performances in this film are excellent all around. The one that I think makes me the happiest is Bruce Willis. In the past several years, the man seems to have stopped caring. So, I’m happy that David Dunn is a character that Willis himself seems invested in. One of the biggest criticisms I have heard levied toward this movie is that there isn’t enough of Glass in this movie. I can certainly understand that criticism, but I personally don’t agree with it. Glass is sort of the mastermind, pulling strings behind the scenes for a lot of the events within the movie. The other criticism I have heard levied heavily against this film is the ending. The ending for this film didn’t bother me either. If anything, it felt bittersweet to me. Neither Unbreakable nor Glass were particularly happy movies to begin with, so the ending to the film actually made sense in my eyes. The trailer actually makes this film look a little more action-packed than it actually is. Don’t go into Glass expecting this to be a major action film. I will admit that some of Shyamalan’s awkward dialogue does slip here and there. Fortunately, it feels incredibly limited in this movie. I have to give Glass a recommendation, though I would advise cautious optimism due to this movie’s divisive nature. 

9 / 10