Ax 'Em

This movie is something special. Before I get into this film, I have to give my background with it. I didn't actually know it existed until a couple of months ago. I got this book for Christmas called The Bad Movie Bible. I stumbled upon this and realized I had to seek the film out in whatever way I possibly could. The movie opens with a hilariously awful opening text.

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I don't think words can actually describe the poor grammar on display here. As soon as I read this, I burst out laughing. To be somewhat fair, I don't necessarily want to be overly hard this because it was an independent film made by a group of college kids. Or, that's how it comes across at the very least. Every single transition used in this movie is a fade to black. I wish I was making that up, but I'm not. The opening credits are baffling. They are done over a hip hop dance sequence, and it was obvious that they were put together using a computer software.

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Yeah. Normally, the next step would be to meet the cardboard cutouts passing themselves off as characters. I don't think I'm going to do that because I still didn't know their names by the time we got to 20 minutes. I mean, these barely count as "characters," even by slasher movie standards. The music is hard to explain. Most of the time, it drowns out the dialogue. Also, most of the time, it feels thoroughly out of place. Plus (and I think this goes without saying) the acting is atrocious. And yes, I know that slasher movies aren't known for being stellar, Oscar-worthy material. But, this is bad by slasher movie standards.

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This particular image is the moment that leads in to the film's first kill (which is both badly acted and done off-screen). The rest of the deaths are done incredibly quickly, and with obviously fake blood poured on the actors. The story is surprisingly hard to follow, mostly because you never actually know who the characters are. The initial goal for this review was to break the movie down by its entire plot. I had to abandon this idea by the time I got to about 25 minutes, mostly because I'm not exactly convinced there actually was a plot.

I'd also like to admit here and now that this movie was only 70 minutes long. It was about 45 minutes in before I learned that the first victim of the movie was the grandfather of one of the college kids staying out in the woods. If that doesn't show how nothing the characters are, I don't know what does.  

Am I going to give this movie a rating? No. Does it really matter if this movie has a numbered rating attached to it? I'm not convinced that it does. I can tell you two things in the end. One: this movie is a complete and utter failure as a horror movie. Two: this is one of the most unintentionally funny movies I have ever seen.