Collateral Beauty

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So, I watched this movie in early 2017, and I've wanted to do a review for it, but just couldn't bring myself to do so until now. This movie is hands down one of the most soulless, cynical, mean-spirited movies I've ever seen. What's more is it tries passing itself off as something you're supposed to find uplifting.The trailers passed it off as a movie that was about a man who had given up on life and was visited by the physical embodiments of death, love, and time (whom he had been writing letters to), while his closest friends are trying to help him and reach out to him. Instead the movie is about a man who has given up on life after losing his child and begins writing letters to death, love, and time. He has become a recluse, and his company is going under. His friends and colleagues hire actors to play the physical embodiments of these abstract entities in an attempt to make him look like he's crazy and take the company away from him. When I first heard that that was the actual plot of the movie, I thought it sounded so insane I had to see it. By the time the movie was over, I felt little else other than contempt for humanity because we allowed a piece of shit life this to exist. This is a movie that asks you to root for the most unlikable, despicable characters. It doesn't do it in a David Fincher, Martin Scorsese kind of way either. At least something like Fight Club knows Tyler Durden is a horrible character. This movie doesn't know its characters are the biggest assholes you'll ever meet. It genuinely thinks they are good, relatable people. There's a scene in this movie that tells you everything you need to know about them. The three friends (Edward Norton, Michael Pena, and Kate Winslet) are discussing this plan. Kate Winslet reminds her friends that their friend, coworker, and boss (played by Will Smith) lost his child. Norton's character chimes in with something along the lines of: "That was a year ago. He really needs to get over it." Here's why I have such a problem with this scene of the movie. As far as these characters go, Kate Winslet is the only one of the three who never married or had children. So, even if his own daughter is still alive, why the fuck would a fucking father say something like that!? The only character I found even remotely likable or relatable was Will Smith. When he really gets the chance to shine as a dramatic actor, the man can really pull it off, and he was the best part of this movie hands down because I genuinely bought into his emotions. Everything around him just made me mad.

1 / 10    

President's Day

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President’s Day is a 2010 slasher film about a serial killer dressed up like Abraham Lincoln killing high school students during a class president election. Until about a week ago, I had no idea that this movie existed. I won’t lie. I kind of loved it. Don’t get me wrong; it’s a terrible movie. The acting, writing, and filmmaking are all awful. However, this honestly feels like it should have been made during the 1980s. Nobody involved in this movie is going to go onto anything special. I know this because I have no idea who anybody in this is. As bad as a lot of the dialogue can be, I will give the whodunit aspect of the movie a lot of props. I legitimately didn’t know who the killer was. The jaded slasher and mystery fan in me had my guesses, but none of them were right. I also kind of love the Abraham Lincoln mask. The cheap look to it actually works and makes it look kind of creepy. The use of an axe as a weapon also works with the rest of the costume. Some of the characters can pretty fun just because of how odd they are. The best example of this is the school principal, who is literally introduced by playing the bass. It’s a short 80 minutes, so there isn’t much more for me to say. I enjoyed it, and recommend it to fans of bad slasher movies. 

6 / 10    

Valentine

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So, I am aware that this is a day late, but hey, better late than never. Valentine is a 2001 slasher film starring Marley Shelton, Denise Richards, and David Boreanaz. A killer in a cupid mask begins stalking a group of women who rejected him on Valentine's Day several years ago. This is one of those movies I look at as something of a guilty pleasure. I can't call it a "good" movie by any means, but it is a movie I honestly have a lot of fun with. Granted, this movie may earn a lot of brownie points for me just by making Katherine Heigl the opening kill. A lot of the acting is actually kind of enjoyable. Denise Richards actually might be the best part of the movie. Her character is a complete bitch, and the actress owns every minute of her role, and she clearly looks like she's having a blast. Marley Shelton as the typical final girl is fine. She's nice enough, but she never really stands out. The same could easily be said of David Boreanaz in this movie until the ending, when I really think the man kicks his performance up a notch. The other characters are just awful. They're horribly acted, and they are some of the most unlikable piece of shit people that you can find in a slasher movie. The mystery isn't anything spectacular. I understand building up a ton of red herrings, but killing most of them off (or making just vanish from the movie entirely) almost immediately after you introduce them isn't the strongest way to go about it. The kills in this movie are awesome. This movie honestly has a pretty brutal mean streak to it, and I kind of love that fact. Yes, Valentine has a lot of flaws that can be pretty hard to ignore most of the time, but I still really enjoy this movie. If you haven't seen it, give it a watch. I can't guarantee you'll "like" it, but if you watch it with a group of people, you might have a pretty fun time.

6 / 10  

Keep Watching

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I saw a trailer for this movie online a couple months ago. Within the past few days, I saw a review for this movie on Bloody Disgusting. In that time frame, I completely forgot that this movie existed, and didn't even know until now that this movie even had a one night theatrical release back in October. The unfortunate thing for me is that I wish it could have been more of a special kind of bad. There really isn't much that stands out to me either way. The movie is about a family being harassed by a group of killers who stream their kills to the internet and pass it off as entertainment. This actually is an interesting premise, but I'm not a fan of the way it's executed. It's just incredibly dull more than anything. It isn't good, but it never really feels like anything that could honestly make me mad. The movie tries to mesh elements of slasher films and found footage. I'm not gonna lie, I wish they wouldn't have included the found footage elements. Maybe they should have just taken the internet backdrop out of the movie. I don't know if that would have made the movie better or not. Bella Thorne is the star of the movie. I feel like she could legitimately make a good scream queen. I really don't think she's that bad of an actress (she is probably the best part of this movie), but she just kind of chooses crappy movies. I thought Chandler Riggs from The Walking Dead was okay, as well. In the end, this was a movie that could be best summed up as: meh.

5 / 10 

Fifty Shades Freed

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I am happy. I am fucking happy. I’m not happy because somebody gleaned something good out of this shitty trilogy. I am happy because it is over! That said, this actually might have been the one I enjoyed the most. I could kind of tell that from the beginning. Again, this is a terrible movie. Right from the get-go, the two leads (Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan) don’t really try to hide their contempt. They still have no chemistry, but you can kind of tell they’re probably just as happy this is over as the rest of us are. Hell, I feel like every time they talk, you can practically hear them asking “where’s the paycheck?” under their breaths Plot wise, this is almost as meandering as the first two movies. Almost nothing happens. I still have the same moral problems with this movie that I had with the first two, I feel like a broken record, but I really feel like this is glorifying a toxic relationship, and trying to pass it off as romantic. Christian Grey is verbally and mentally abusive, while Anastasia Steele is weak-willed moron that doesn’t seem to question much of anything. The sex scenes are still dull, uninspired and lifeless. The writing is just as juvenile and atrocious as ever. Then again what else can I expect with the line “it’s like boobs in boob land,” before I’m even ten minutes in? The editing in this movie is awful. I have no idea what sort of time frame this movie goes through. In one scene Christian Grey is clean-shaven. In the next scene he has a beard. The movie will go through one boring plodding scene. The next scene will be someone breaking into Christian Grey’s company (feeling more like it should come from a Jason Bourne movie). Am I just a little more forgiving towards this movie because I am praying it’s finally over? Maybe. On the other hand, this is the first one in the series to actually give me some unintentional laughs just from the seething hatred the two leads don’t even really bother trying to hide.

2 /10  

Deep Blue Sea

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A team of researchers are trying to find a cure for Alzheimer's. They mess with a couple of test sharks, and make them smarter. Through some mishaps, the team becomes trapped, and must survive as the sharks begin picking them off one by one. It might surprise you when I say this, but this is one of my childhood movies. I grew up with it. I've probably seen it about 20 times. When you watch a movie like this as a kid, you only really know there are sharks that eat people. Watching it as an adult is another story altogether. I fully recognize that this is not a particularly good movie. The story is pretty dumb. It's almost like a mashup of Jaws and Jurassic Park, but doesn't have the intelligence that those two have. The effects also haven't aged well. The acting is pretty hit and miss. I like the performances of LL Cool J, Samuel L. Jackson, and Thomas Jane. On the other hand, Saffron Burrows as the female lead doesn't work very well for me. Her delivery feels incredibly stiff. This movie also has one of the greatest death scenes ever. If you haven't seen the movie, I won't spoil the moment. If you have seen the movie, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The writing is gloriously cheesy and dumb. There are lines in this movie I remember even from childhood and I never will forget them. If you are a fan of dumb, cheesy movies, give this a watch. It is absolutely one of my all-time guilty pleasures.

7 / 10 

Scorched Earth

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Bounty hunter Atticus Gage (played by Gina Carano) infiltrates a town where only outlaws are allowed. The movie takes place in a future where people have to where masks and filter air, or something like that. I figured at best this would probably be mediocre, and at worst it would be absolutely awful. Yeah, this came out with the best-case scenario. It wasn’t good, but it was far from being one of the worst things I’d ever seen. I thought Gina Carano was fine in this. She’s never been a particulary strong actress, but she served her role well enough. The plot wasn’t terribly interesting. I’ve seen this story before. Sometimes, the directing could build up the tension, but most of it was just bland, which is the perfect description for this movie as a whole. The one thing I think rose above the material was John Hannah as a character named Doc, who serves as Gage’s mentor. There was one element to the plot that did surprise a little bit. It ties into the protagonist’s backstory. When they didn’t go the route I was expecting them to go, I was actually kind of surprised. The action sequences are really just sort of standard. They aren’t awful, but they aren’t mind-blowing either. They’re just sort of there. The futuristic sci-fi element adds nothing to the movie. They could have just made this a typical western, and it really wouldn’t have changed anything. Scorched Earth is just bland. It’s neither good nor bad enough to really leave you with an impression on it either way.

5 / 10