Show Dogs

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Police dog Max (voiced by Ludacris - clearly waiting for the next Fast and the Furious movie to come along) is teamed up with human FBI agent Frank (played by Will Arnett) to find a stolen baby panda. In order to do so, Max is entered into a Las Vegas dog show. After having watched this movie all the way through, I'm legitimately convinced I have come out dumber for having seen this movie. Show Dogs isn't just a bad movie. It is one of the absolute stupidest, laziest, lowest-common denominator hunks of flaming dogshit I have ever seen. And I'm not just talking about the movies I've reviewed in the past four years I've had this blog, and have actually been writing movie reviews. I'm taking about the movies I have seen in my entire life. There isn't a single frame of this movie that can be enjoyed on any level. The CGI is atrocious. The movie acts a career low-point for almost everyone involved. For further proof, the cast includes Alan Cumming, the only one that I think is the exception (only because I hate Son of the Mask slightly more), and Shaquille O'Neal (whose film credits include Kazaam, Steel, Grown Ups 2, Blended, and Jack and Jill). Yes, that's how low a lot of this cast sinks. When I would (gun to my head) rather watch Shaq's cameo performance in Jack and Jill than a single frame of this thing, then you know it's a bad sign. The movie makes references to Turner & Hooch (a vastly superior film in every way). Every single joke falls flat. The meta jokes in this movie aren't even a little bit clever. They actually make a Lego Movie joke because Will Arnett was in that movie (something I'm sure he was wishing he could be doing instead). Hell, I'm convinced he'd rather have another Michael Bay, Megan Fox Ninja Turtles movie come his way. At least those movies could leave him with some dignity. This is also the worst film from director Raja Gosnell. This is the same guy who directed both live-action Smurfs movies and Home Alone 3. Nobody comes out of this movie looking good. The saddest cast member involvement in this movie has got to be Stanley Tucci (who also clearly doesn't give a shit about anything he's doing here).At a point, I think I might have actually suffered a break in my mental sanity. I would say that this should have come out twenty years ago. The weird thing is, even twenty years ago, I'm pretty sure most people would be shocked to find out that this was a theatrical release. This doesn't even deserve to be one of those movies you'd only randomly find when you're walking through the relatively small DVD section of some gas station in the middle of nowhere. There are two types of movies where I hate the bad films in those genres more than the bad films in any other genre. I hate bad family films, and I hate bad comedies. Show Dogs was both. Not only did I get angry because this movie treats its target audience like idiots. But, I was also angry because making me laugh is one of the easiest things in the world to do. You know a movie's bad when it fails to make even the most easily amused person laugh. Don't watch this, you'll get nothing out of it but misery.

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